Moms' Stories
Here are four stories from single mothers who wanted to share their struggles, their victories, and their ideas. They hope their stories will empower all of us to support single mothers and bolster our efforts to better the lives of single mothers and their children.
Single mothers, strong women: Joanne's story
My journey really began a few years ago when I decided to leave a very unhealthy marriage. Unfortunately, once I was on my own, I found myself in another unhealthy relationship with the welfare system. I felt like a failure and was afraid to speak up and ask questions. I was intimidated and didn't want to be seen as a trouble-maker.
At the same time, I was also experiencing some hostility from my community. Many seemed to have a negative view of single mothers on welfare assistance. All this negativity created a burden that I'm sure many other single mothers feel.
With the help of some friends, I took steps to improve the quality of my life. I met some extraordinary women who formed the Single Mothers Support Network. Together, we have led a crusade to empower single mothers. I now have a stronger voice and a tougher backbone.
This is why my story is on this website. I want to share the information that the Single Mothers Support Network has given me because I truly believe that knowledge is power. I want women to come to this website and see that they have the right to ask questions and that they can stand up for their rights without fear or intimidation. I want women to know what they are entitled to and how to fight injustice. My motto in life is to help people help themselves. I hope that this website helps to empower you and please remember that all mothers are extremely important and strong.
Picking Up the Pieces: Marilyn's Story
I would like to start this story by telling you that when my husband and I decided to have our daughter, we were both working and we were not rich by any means but we were not poverty stricken either. I just needed to tell you this because I had my daughter in 1999 and left my husband in 2001, because I refused to raise my daughter and have her witness her mother being abused. By January of 2002, my daughter and I found ourselves living in a shelter and going on Welfare and Housing.
The women that work in the shelter told me to ask my Welfare worker for a community start-up. The Welfare worker said to just go back to the apartment that I shared with my husband and get my furniture. I was shocked to hear this and asked the worker if she had heard what I told her - that my husband was abusing me and that I couldn't get the furniture back. Still nothing. I went back to a worker at the shelter and she wrote a letter on my behalf, explaining that I needed this start-up for me and my daughter. I feel that I got the start-up because I had the shelter backing me up.
The first year that I was living by myself was a year of tremendous pain and growth. I went to a huge number of workshops, some of them recommended by the Family Court Judge, but when I phoned my Welfare worker to ask for financial assistance, I was told that I would have to use money from my cheque. These workshops were very important for me if I wanted to get stronger mentally, so I used the money from the cheque, and did not eat as well as I should have.
In the spring of 2002, I registered for my first college program. It was assertiveness training. It might not be a big deal to some people, but it meant a lot to me. I enjoyed my course and wanted to get more education. My friends encouraged me to go to college full time, so I registered in the fall of 2002-2003 and enrolled in General Arts & Science because I did not really know what program I wanted. I went off Welfare and was off for eight months.
In May of 2005, I went back to Welfare and told them that I was registered in another course in the Spring. My worker told me that if a job placement through Welfare came up, then I might have to quit my course at school. I was shocked to hear this, because here I am trying to make myself more employable and educated. At this time I started doing volunteer work for the Single Mother's Support Network, hoping to make positive changes and establish a stronger successful network of business acquaintances. That summer I also went through Transitions to Employment, which was a great way to get Basic First Aid and CPR. I went back to school that fall and enrolled in the Child & Youth Worker program. I finished the program in 2008 and, after some looking around, I started a casual position as an Education Assistant with the School Board that fall. They are able to give me a lot of hours and I'm hoping to be employed full time, because I love the job.
I have a lot of debt from my student loan. And being a single mother of one daughter and being responsible for her upkeep and all the bills is stressful. But I'm optimistic. Sometimes people are not very sensitive to these kinds of issues. We women are not social parasites; we are intelligent, creative, and witty individuals. Being poor is not a crime and we did not do anything to be ashamed of. We can hold our heads high, because we are the ones who helped out our fellow neighbours in need. We volunteer our time to make changes, so that all women can achieve knowledge and gain the strength that is needed to succeed.
No End in Sight to Poverty: Shanna's Story
Almost 20 years ago, the Canadian government pledged to end child poverty. They said they would “alleviate child poverty in Canada by the year 2000". Now in 2009, I think the statement must have contained a typo. It should have read more accurately “by the year 2000, we are going to elevate child poverty in Canada”.
It’s a crime that anyone in a country as affluent as ours suffers from any kind of poverty, let alone child poverty. It’s time for people to recognize that when you’re ending overall poverty, you’re also ending child poverty, period.
I am a single mother of an 11-year old son and we both live in poverty. Living in poverty is a full time job. I spend a phenomenal amount of time and energy ensuring that our basic needs - food, shelter, clothing - are met.
For my son, poverty means limited choices, such as not being able to go on school trips, play hockey, or even buy a candy bar at the check out counter in the grocery store.
For me, poverty means tough choices, such as whether to buy toothpaste or toilet paper, whether to buy enough food for two dinners or just enough for tonight and buy laundry detergent so we can have clean clothes tomorrow.
The list is infinite and poverty means many things to different people. But living in poverty always means going without. Luxury items such as haircuts, movies, or cable television don’t exist in our world. For these, we rely on the good graces of our neighbours.
Pawn shops have become a sore beacon of hope for those trying to supplement meagre monthly incomes. Where I live, people often sell what little they have in order to buy a few basic staples, such as bread and milk. People are forced to sell something worth $90 to get $12 back, just to buy an evening’s meal.
Then there’s the proliferation of cash shops that feed off poor people. They take advantage of people who struggle to survive, who live from hand to mouth from month to month.
I think the federal and provincial governments need to work together to fix things. We need to put money back into a new improved system before it is too late. It is getting to the point where things are unfixable. Unless all levels of government intervene right now, it will be too late. Here are my ideas:
- Tell the Ontario Government to stop immediately their clawback of the Canada Child Tax Benefit. This money was supposed to help Canada’s children, not Ontario’s government.
- Increase the Canada Child Tax Benefit for low income families.
- Set a national standard that coincides with the United Nations mandate for addressing the third world conditions in which Canadian children in poverty live. In their report, the United Nations set some strong recommendations to which the Federal Government must adhere.
More Ideas From the National Council on Welfare
- Eliminate income taxes for people living below the poverty line.
- Create a national system of childcare and early childhood education. Raise the current minimum wage to ensure that people who work full time have a reasonable chance to escape from poverty.
- Raise welfare rates so that they cover the minimum basic needs of adequate food and safe shelter.
- Provide supports for welfare recipients to re-enter the workforce in meaningful jobs. Forcing parents on welfare into demeaning, dead-end jobs creates serious stresses that undermine their ability to take care of their children.
- The government must provide money to cover the costs of prescription drugs, dental care, and eye glasses for welfare recipients and low wage workers and their families.
Never Enough, Always Worried: Vanny's Story
On the first day of the month, provided I have correctly completed and sent my card in on time, I receive from Social Services $983.62. This is the amount that the government allows a single parent with three school-aged children. From this amount, a deduction of $165 for child support (that my ex-partner presumably pays me) is made. Another $156.66 is deducted. This amount is the National Child Tax Benefit that the Federal Government has granted to low income families, only to have the provincial government claw it back from families receiving social assistance. This leaves a balance of $661.96 which is deposited to my bank account.
After I pay my rent ($326 subsidized housing costs), phone (about $45), cable TV ($38.94 and my family’s main source of entertainment, although certainly a luxury), bank service charges ($15), my life insurance ($27.50), home fire and theft insurance ($25 - I know three families who have lost all they have to fires ...), I am left with a balance of $184.52. This amount will have to pay for groceries (the two oldest boys eat as much as grown men and usually want second helpings while my youngest is a fussy eater and I often have to fix him something else - that is AFTER he has smushed his meal into a disgusting mess that no one else wants and so must be tossed out!).
It must also pay for transportation ($10 round trip for the family to take the bus to the library), clothing, hair cuts, school lunches, birthdays, toiletries, laundry and cleaning supplies, extra shoes (they must have indoor-only shoes for Phys Ed), head lice shampoo ($10 per bottle, 3 treatments x 4 people per infestation - we’ve been bug-free so far this year but it does occur at the worst times!), a second pair of shoes towards spring (x2 each - those pesky indoor shoes again and they ARE growing boys!), and occasional treats after school as an incentive to do their chores and as a reward for doing well in school. It also pays for over the counter medicines (kids gets fever and colds like the rest of you and should be made as comfortable as possible while they recover).
Also, though no fault of the government but a major impact on us, child support is often late or comes in by $10, $20 or $40 a time which is nearly impossible to budget for. So I often rely on the corner store. They allow me to put purchases on a tab until I can pay; now, that’s very generous of them and I’m grateful, but I end up paying convenience store prices.
If you’ve been following closely, you’ll realize that there simply isn’t enough money to pay for all of this. I receive a “baby bonus” cheque which pays for food until the end of the month, home craft supplies (paper, etc.), and the corner store tab. Here are some things I cannot afford or struggle to purchase:
- Dental care for myself. Social Services allows adults $75 per year only for emergency dental care - NOT preventative, NOT cleaning, NOT checkups but tooth extractions ONLY - I had one abscessed tooth extracted last Christmas, and have two more bad molars that need to come out but I’ve used up my emergency allotment for the year - I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my front teeth stay intact. The children are covered for basic dental care that used to be every six months, but when we were transferred from Family Benefits to Ontario Works, this was reduced to once every nine months.
- Transportation and entertainment. We walk just about everywhere we have to go. We live in the North End, so to go downtown to shop costs about $10 round trip by bus. There is no money for movies or the theatre. The last movie we saw was A Bug’s Life at SuperFlicks over three years ago and that was only because we had a ride there and back. We rarely rent movies as each one of my kids has different tastes and the movie rental place near us wants $2.75 per movie ... x3? Get real! There have been no birthday parties since the Harris cuts and although the boys get invited to lots of their friends’ parties, I have to say no more often than not.
- Personal items. There is not enough money for monthly personal supplies ... I won’t elaborate. There is not enough money for me to eat as much as I should. I don’t eat dinner until the boys have had their fill. I’m usually too stressed out over food wastage to eat with them. The only milk I drink is in my tea - milk is for the kids. The only fruit I eat is the free snack offered during my volunteer time - fruit is for the kids. I know this sounds martyrish, but many single parents - poor parents in general - sacrifice their food for the kids. It is common for me to skip meals several days at a stretch. I am a fairly recent smoker (5 to ten cigarettes per day). I discovered that a pack of cigarettes - $2.85 for the cheap kind - is cheaper than eating. Smoking curbs my appetite and relieves some stress. Quit smoking aids, many of which I’ve tried, are not covered under the Ontario Drug Benefit Plan and are hugely more expensive than actually smoking. Vitamins are also very expensive, so we don’t buy them. I have a skin disorder that is aggravated by stress but the treatment is also not covered, nor can I afford to buy it. A while back, my doctor prescribed Ensure (a nutritional supplement) to help me get my weight up but the drug plan removed it from their listing so he could no longer prescribe it. Since the Harris cuts, we no longer qualify for regular Food Bank usage. They had to change their access qualifications so now we’re only allowed a once-per-year emergency visit. Another thing I can’t afford is clothing (new or used) or a personal life. My social life is restricted to my volunteer activity only. Babysitters are too expensive ($5 per hour per child) and besides, with essentially raising the boys alone, I have little energy left to properly nurture a personal relationship.
- Extras for the boys. My middle son has a stuttering problem. For a while he was getting help every week at Hotel Dieu’s speech pathology department, but the cost of the buses downtown was restrictive and we put it on hold for now. Speech therapy for stuttering is not offered through the schools. The boys cannot play soccer at Soccer Magic (too expensive - over $100 per season plus equipment). They do play T-ball during the summer in the neighbourhood house league - it’s free, but in return I’m expected to work at bingos to supplement the cost to run it. We simply don’t participate in community activities unless they are free or very low cost.
There is more that I could relay to you, but the foregoing should give you a fairly good grasp of my reality and day-to-day living on social assistance. What all this means as it relates to the effect on me and my family’s health (both physical and emotional) is this: our quality of life is diminished when we cannot afford to participate in extra-curricular activities where transportation costs are barriers.
Sacrificing food to the children reduces my ability to cope with the stresses associated with raising active young boys and is obviously not good for my physical health. Disregarding my own emotional needs does not send a positive message to my children and I often feel alone. This is my own issue but I find it hard to just relax - you know, just take a day off, free time for myself. I get up at 5:30 every day to read the paper and plan my day. But I cannot sit at my front window or on the balcony during the day - what if someone drove by and saw me doing nothing. “Look at that Welfare bum”, they might say, “goofing off.” So I keep myself as busy as humanly possible.
All my free time is spent volunteering in the community to give something back to the agencies that support low-income families “earning my keep”, working for my cheque, and ultimately trying to improve my and my family’s environment while role-modelling volunteerism and social consciousness to the boys. But I’m always either coming out of or going into another depression period. Down time after the boys are asleep is spend worrying over the next day’s meals, which bill will or will not be paid, and so on ... many sleepless nights.
I was raised in a middle class family and I have a great deal of guilt around living on assistance and not being able to maintain a relationship with the kids’ father. I wrestle with feelings of low self esteem, as I was brought up to believe that being on Mother’s Allowance and having unplanned children meant that I was a failure. I used to view women like myself with contempt. I have worked full and part time jobs, supporting myself and often my partner, since I was 17 years old, before I had children. I have now developed compassion for others and understand that many women end up in these circumstances due to a lack of information and support or because they’ve left an abusive situation.
My volunteerism has broken some of my sense of isolation but not always the loneliness and despair. Once, when I suggested to a caseworker at Family Benefits that there was not enough government money to properly support a family with any dignity, she stated that “family benefits are there to support the kids, not you”.
You may ask why your tax dollars should support families like mine and I would say that I wouldn’t want to live in a society that didn’t care enough about people in need to help them out. Government grants to businesses, new and old, figure in the billions in this country. Incarcerated people are fed three meals a day and have a lot of perks during their stays. Ontario taxes also support University and College grants to give students a helping hand, a better education, and a brighter future. Despite people’s financial differences, we all really need the same things: love, respect, understanding, dignity, and the supports that enable us to accomplish these things and to maintain a healthy, happy, successful lifestyle.
